World Mental Health Day Part 1 – Inside My Head

Today (Tuesday 10th October) is World Mental Health Day. I haven’t written a post in ages so what better day to write one. I’ve been busy with work and also procrastinating writing but I’ve decided I will take the time today to write something.

Recently I had a night of insomnia, which I haven’t had in a while. I was exhausted and wanted to sleep but my head was just chattering away to itself. When I say chattering, I mean it was going round and round in circles criticising everything I’ve ever done, asking crazy questions, jumping from one thought to another… everything!! So, I decided to set a timer for 10 minutes and type out everything that was going through my mind. I have no idea if this kind of stuff goes through ‘normal’ people’s minds but I know from speaking to fellow sufferers and addicts that it happens to a lot of us. It made me feel a lot less crazy hearing that other sufferers have it. I’m always fascinated when people say that when they go to sleep at night, they close their eyes and their brains switch off and they just fall asleep. HOW?!! I’ve had only a handful of nights that this has happened in sobriety (when I was drinking I would switch off straight away because I’d pass out!) but most of the time it’s just chatter that can go on for hours and hours. I’ve come up with so many different theories, stories, plots, anything and everything, during these hours. When I wrote this stream of consciousness it was in the middle of the night, but I have these moments throughout the day too. It can be totally exhausting mentally, and sometimes I actually come up with some great ideas.

So, if this doesn’t happen to ‘normal’ people, then this is for you to see some of the hell we go through – especially when we are depressed because these thoughts go on all day and night but darker. I think that is one of the reasons that one of the main symptoms of depression is extreme tiredness. It’s no wonder really! People ask me why I’m tired all the time, even when I’m not depressed, and now you can see why!!

To all the sufferers reading this, I hope this makes you feel less alone with the crazy chatter in your head. Doing the 10 minute stream of consciousness really helped and actually gave me a laugh reading back over it – give it a try! And, it’s fascinating to see how quickly our brains flit from one thought to another and all the questions we ask ourselves. Plus, if you’re like me and have appalling short term memory – then it’s a great way to get things written down as they come in to your head that could be useful for later on.

 

bonkers

 

Timed 10 mins conscious stream – inside my head

What do I write?

Stream of consciousness. Why am I thinking about what to write?

What am I listening to?

Hmm hmm hmmm

Did I drink too much coffee? Or eat too much cake?

Why can’t I sleep? Why is my brain awake? 

Why can I sometimes drink coffee and sleep and other times I can’t?

Why tonight?

I’m tired

What’s embarrassing?

Why am i not listening to this podcast?

I need to do a podcast. Who would I have on it? Would people listen to it? What would I say?

My voice is annoying

Ny head is annoying

My hands don’t move as fast as my thoughts. Why didn’t I type faster at college?

Why didn’t I work harder at school?

Why am I asking myself so many questions?

What am I going to do tomorrow?

I’m going to a meeting

What day is it tomorrow?

It’s Sunday

Ok 11am Flood St meeting. Should I go for coffee afterwards… decide in the morning

Who will be there? Will Simon be there? Adrian? Isa? Florence? Martha?

How is my Martha? She’s growing

Drugs

Brain think think think

Switch off

Why is there so much stuff in my brain?

Am I crazy?

Do people think I’m crazy?

Do normal people’s brains work like mine? Do people have all these thoughts go through my head?

What’s Craig messaging me about?

I wonder how the job went 

I hope it was good 

Job on Tuesday 

We need to organise a time to look around the gallery

Should we leave business cards on the tables?

We need to order hire stuff

Should we get Louisa to help with the organisation?

How the hell are we going to fit everything in to that kitchen – especially catering to 60 

Chardonnay and champagne

I miss champagne

Do I? 

Brain think think think

I’m tired

Is this the sleep train coming?

How long is left on the timer? 4 minutes

Wow so much shit goes through my mind 

Am I completely mad?

Am I always this mad?

Is this what actually goes through my head the whole time?

I think I’m nuts

I need to message B
about tonight

I need to restart my counter. I don’t like going over my boundaries

I need to talk to Louisa about tonights convo

What if I see A on Monday? I’d like to date him 

Is he gay?

Is he single?

I can’t date yet

I’m nuts

I’m going nuts

Who would I date?

Would I go back to my old types?

Will I ever find love?

I want babies

Amelia and Olivia were so cute today 

I want baby cuddles

I want a baby

Would I handle a baby?

Would I be able to handle being a surrogate?

Hmmmmmmmmmmm

I’m tired

Should I turn the fan off? Am I hot or cold?

I don’t know

I’ve got a headache

My teeth hurt

I’m sober

Wow

My teeth hurt 

Are my teeth infected? 

My mouth tastes gross

I can’t believe I got with Louis last year with an infected mouth and all the clove filling falling out

When’s the timer going to stop?

I want to go to sleep

Did this help?

Will people think I’m mad?

I’ve put on weight

I need to lose weight

No 

I need to accept myself

I need to drink some water

Am I going to finish the marathon?

I need to train again

I need to buy new trainers

What’s going on in my brain?

I’m tired

My brains 

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