Today (Tuesday 10th October) is World Mental Health Day. I haven’t written a post in ages so what better day to write one. I’ve been busy with work and also procrastinating writing but I’ve decided I will take the time today to write something.
Recently I had a night of insomnia, which I haven’t had in a while. I was exhausted and wanted to sleep but my head was just chattering away to itself. When I say chattering, I mean it was going round and round in circles criticising everything I’ve ever done, asking crazy questions, jumping from one thought to another… everything!! So, I decided to set a timer for 10 minutes and type out everything that was going through my mind. I have no idea if this kind of stuff goes through ‘normal’ people’s minds but I know from speaking to fellow sufferers and addicts that it happens to a lot of us. It made me feel a lot less crazy hearing that other sufferers have it. I’m always fascinated when people say that when they go to sleep at night, they close their eyes and their brains switch off and they just fall asleep. HOW?!! I’ve had only a handful of nights that this has happened in sobriety (when I was drinking I would switch off straight away because I’d pass out!) but most of the time it’s just chatter that can go on for hours and hours. I’ve come up with so many different theories, stories, plots, anything and everything, during these hours. When I wrote this stream of consciousness it was in the middle of the night, but I have these moments throughout the day too. It can be totally exhausting mentally, and sometimes I actually come up with some great ideas.
So, if this doesn’t happen to ‘normal’ people, then this is for you to see some of the hell we go through – especially when we are depressed because these thoughts go on all day and night but darker. I think that is one of the reasons that one of the main symptoms of depression is extreme tiredness. It’s no wonder really! People ask me why I’m tired all the time, even when I’m not depressed, and now you can see why!!
To all the sufferers reading this, I hope this makes you feel less alone with the crazy chatter in your head. Doing the 10 minute stream of consciousness really helped and actually gave me a laugh reading back over it – give it a try! And, it’s fascinating to see how quickly our brains flit from one thought to another and all the questions we ask ourselves. Plus, if you’re like me and have appalling short term memory – then it’s a great way to get things written down as they come in to your head that could be useful for later on.
Timed 10 mins conscious stream – inside my head
What do I write?
Stream of consciousness. Why am I thinking about what to write?
What am I listening to?
Hmm hmm hmmm
Did I drink too much coffee? Or eat too much cake?
Why can’t I sleep? Why is my brain awake?
Why can I sometimes drink coffee and sleep and other times I can’t?
Why am i not listening to this podcast?
I need to do a podcast. Who would I have on it? Would people listen to it? What would I say?
My voice is annoying
Ny head is annoying
My hands don’t move as fast as my thoughts. Why didn’t I type faster at college?
Why didn’t I work harder at school?
Why am I asking myself so many questions?
What am I going to do tomorrow?
I’m going to a meeting
What day is it tomorrow?
Ok 11am Flood St meeting. Should I go for coffee afterwards… decide in the morning
Who will be there? Will Simon be there? Adrian? Isa? Florence? Martha?
How is my Martha? She’s growing
Brain think think think
Why is there so much stuff in my brain?
Am I crazy?
Do people think I’m crazy?
Do normal people’s brains work like mine? Do people have all these thoughts go through my head?
What’s Craig messaging me about?
I wonder how the job went
I hope it was good
Job on Tuesday
We need to organise a time to look around the gallery
Should we leave business cards on the tables?
We need to order hire stuff
Should we get Louisa to help with the organisation?
How the hell are we going to fit everything in to that kitchen – especially catering to 60
Chardonnay and champagne
I miss champagne
Brain think think think
Is this the sleep train coming?
How long is left on the timer? 4 minutes
Wow so much shit goes through my mind
Am I completely mad?
Am I always this mad?
Is this what actually goes through my head the whole time?
I think I’m nuts
I need to restart my counter. I don’t like going over my boundaries
I need to talk to Louisa about tonights convo
What if I see A on Monday? I’d like to date him
Is he gay?
Is he single?
I can’t date yet
I’m going nuts
Who would I date?
Would I go back to my old types?
Will I ever find love?
I want babies
Amelia and Olivia were so cute today
I want baby cuddles
I want a baby
Would I handle a baby?
Would I be able to handle being a surrogate?
Should I turn the fan off? Am I hot or cold?
I don’t know
I’ve got a headache
My teeth hurt
My teeth hurt
Are my teeth infected?
My mouth tastes gross
I can’t believe I got with Louis last year with an infected mouth and all the clove filling falling out
When’s the timer going to stop?
I want to go to sleep
Did this help?
Will people think I’m mad?
I’ve put on weight
I need to lose weight
I need to accept myself
I need to drink some water
Am I going to finish the marathon?
I need to train again
I need to buy new trainers
What’s going on in my brain?